"It Depends. The Importance of Me. And...A Clinical Trial Begins."

Dear Friends,

After a battery of tests, transfusions, and hard work by my Doctor Matt Taylor and his study coordinator Lindsay Chandler, I was deemed acceptable for a Clinical Trial at OHSU under the director of Dr. Matt Taylor. As a matter of fact, I am the Alpha patient in the trial. I take 8 pills in the morning every day and three at night and the battle is on between the drugs and my tumors. This trial is exciting in scope and I am both excited and a tiny bit apprehensive. Your prayers might be the tipping point so please keep 'em coming. 

I had a very rough week before the test week with dwindling hemoglobin scores, diarrhea, low sodium, dehydration, fatigue, and two days of hospitalization. I took 6 units of blood in the hospital which barely positioned me in the acceptable low category. For the first time in my fight with cancer I listened to the dark voice when it asked, "If this is how I am going to feel forever, then how much of this do I really need, or want?" I realized I needed to talk to someone. I asked Sami to have her Coach and my friend Rob Durbin give me a call or visit. He is a cancer survivor of a brutal battle and had offered me wise counsel before.

He came to visit, and I asked told him about my week, my feelings, the dark voice, and asked him, "When you were down, when things weren't going well, what did you do?" He smiled and told me he was going to tell me something he had learned and I needed to hear. I was ready for some empathy and TLC from someone who had been there. Then he said, "Will, it's not about you." I was speechless and somewhat puzzled. I guess that wasn't what I was expecting. He continued, "It's about the people who want to love you longer. The people all over the world who are taking their time to pray for you. It's about your family, wife, children, and grandchildren. Your students.  It's about them, not you. That's why you continue to fight and not give up. You want to give them as much time as you can to love you and care for you."

What a blessing a friend is who will tell you what you need to hear rather than what they think you want to hear! I wasn't looking for a pity party, but his truth hit me squarely in the head and heart. How can I ask you not to quit praying or thinking positive thoughts, and then give up myself? My mentor Kent Gardner wrote from Texas shortly after Rob's visit, "Will, I just read your blog. I think I told you that you will have many ups and downs in this process. Don't let it get you down. Remember we have miles to go before we sleep. Keep the power of positive thinking!!! You are the best." This from a friend with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. I am thankful to have resources like Rob and Kent to remind me that it is not about me. It is about us. My job is to fight, to believe the treatments will work, and not to give up. Your 'job' is to care because it is ultimately about us, not me. 

As to the first line of this entry's title, "It Depends."...I had always held the private belief that when I had to wear Depends, it pretty much meant life was over. I would look at them in the store and shudder. Well, I wore them for two days, and as comedian Richard Lewis told John Stewart, the new cuts of the Depends are kind of sexy!:):):) I wore my regular underwear over them in a vanity denial move, but my life did not end, I slept better, and the cause of wearing them...this too did pass. The lesson for all you youngins' is that you do what you have to do. Growing old ain't for sissies. But life, that is, the people in your life, make any tiny inconveniences worth it. I want to bask in your friendship and love as long as possible. I need to do my part and fight. To hell with the dark voice. It is not about me.

My Clinical Trial has begun and I am hopeful and resilient. And what is hope? Our Minister Matt Gordon concluded his sermon Sunday with this:

Hope is the belief in what God might do next.

Help me stay open to the amazing possibilities of what that might be!

Blessings and love,

Will