Greetings! It is a beautiful Saturday morning in Oregon. The "Eden at the end of the Oregon Trail" in the words of the pioneers is really showing off this morning. Highlights today will include my daughter Sami's sister-in-law Bree's baby shower, work in the yard here by the three SAEs we have housed for the Summer, apple picking, and Grandma's mandate that we eat the leftovers for the week for dinner tonight. Every tiny thing I get to do that doesn't include an MRI, a CT Scan, a PET scan, a transfusion, blood being drawn, or a hospital seems to be an Oscar-caliber event to me these days. I feel good and am looking forward to some flower planting as well.
Last Wednesday I met an amazing man named Dr. Matt Taylor. He is a medical oncologist at the Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland and will be my co-oncologist with Dr. Vicky Lee in Corvallis. The Knight Cancer Center in Portland at OHSU is the best we have and my medical team thought it wise to have an onsite and OHSU oncologist. I was told by many survivors to stop looking for a cancer doctor when I met a doctor who seemed to want me to live as much as I did. With Dr. Lee, an amazingly assertive and direct professional, I am afraid to die! She won't have it. Dr. Taylor, a father of four was so optimistic, so encouraging, so informed about the new treatments available. He knows Dr. Lee and respects her, and she him, so I have my medical team. It includes surgeon Dr. Peter Hudson, and my primary care physician Dr. Rong Wang. Peter is the father of my daughter Christa's best friend Karen, and Dr. Wong and Dr. Lee are close and friends.
I told Dr. Taylor after he explained the six possible treatments available to me, "Doc, you are almost making me feel optimistic about my chances for survival and some extra years." He said, "That's my job." Then corrected himself, "Actually, it's my vocation. One that I spend so much time on my wife would likely like some more of my time with our four daughters." Vocation. Calling. I like that. He is a Church guy as well and put me in his prayers as well as on his patient list. At 60 I am getting used to everyone looking younger than me and Dr. Taylor is no exception. I don't know if it was him or me that brought up Doogie Doctor, but we shared a laugh. I know Dr.s Taylor, Lee, Hudson, and Wang will do their very best for me. That, your prayers, cards, jokes, and kind thoughts, and the Grace of God Almighty are keeping me going.
What's up this week is the first injection of my meds on Wednesday. I always want to say that my health provider MODA has been amazing and prompt in approving the treatments that I need to move forward. The plan is to fly out Thursday with Christa to catch up with my lecture schedule. I have missed one talk at a community college but provided them with my presentation on video with a special campus specific introduction and a word about why I was not there. It is the best I can do under the circumstances. The meds will be taken every three weeks by injection. There are two new treatments that have been approved by the FDA which are very promising that will be available in the next six months and Dr. Taylor and Dr. Lee thought I should get started now and see how I respond to this treatment.
Wednesday last week was a hopeful day for me. Dr. Taylor was amazing, then I came home with high spirits, mowed the lawn, blew the leaves away, started the BBQ, and then we hosted 50 neighbors for the annual Jackson St. picnic. A big day for me energy wise. Small change for you all, but remember I am into the little things right now.:):):) Donna asked me to tell the neighbors what we were dealing with and I did my best to be clear, and hopeful. I want you all to know that I am not looking at this through rose colored glasses. However, I have to be the glass half full guy in this scenario. My whole life I have struggled to be the positive one. Many of you know that my biological father, Will S. Keim, Jr. died three months before I was born. My step father, Jack, was a great Dad and a practicing alcoholic. I was molested as an 8 year, and again in my twenties by a trusted minister friend to make sure my self esteem took a hit. I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE, or let the dark voice take me down. Which I suppose is why I love Jesus saying to Peter, after Peter, inspired by the Dark One, tries to talk Jesus out of going to Jerusalem, "Get behind me Satan." Jesus isn't calling Peter Satan. Rather, he is identifying the source of doubt, discouragement, fear, despair, hopelessness, violence, abuse. Not the red devil Satan...just the dark voice in each of us that wears us down with negativity. Tells us we cannot. Shows us wrong turns off the highway to healthy living. You can be an atheist and still have heard the dark voice in the night of your humanistic despair.
So...after my really good Wednesday, one of my neighbors, the only one with the courage to approach me about my cancer, and please note he is a great older guy, took some time to tell me about his brother's gruesome death due to melanoma. Please don't judge him. He and his wife are wonderful neighbors. I think he still feels the pain and it did give me a chance to get over my issues for a moment and reach out to him and offer him my condolence. But it dawned on me: Every silver lining has a cloud. I think the key is to not get too high or too low, and let the magic happen in the middle. My friend provided balance for me and inspired me to tell you I know this is serious and I again am trying to be positive. It's what I do. I am not in denial. I am not a Rhodes Scholar but I am smart enough to know that you only hear from Survivors. The ones who didn't make it don't write. But let's go forward operating with the assumption that we will be connected as friends and family for years to come. If that doesn't happen, there will be time then for sadness and grieving. In the meantime...
Live. Laugh. Love.
Life. Ourselves. Each Other.
Thanks for reading this with me. It offers me an outlet that I think frames my 'negotiation' with cancer. I do honestly love you all!
Will
Finally, another blog! Just teasing Padre. I know you write when it's right but I could read your writing everyday.
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm commenting to test the commenting system on this blog. I know some folks are having a tough time commenting without a google account. According to my phone you can comment with a Google account, LiveJournal, TypePad, AIM, Wordpress, or OpenID accounts....I don't even know what some of those are. I think a Google account would be the most useful if you were going to make one up.
For those of you that want to comment without making up a fake account, you can email me your comment and I'll post it for you. I'll post it under the most recent blog unless you tell me otherwise. My family work email is Christa.keim.schmeder@gmail.com
Also, no matter what program you're using: if you are writing something longer than a few sentences, I would always use a program offline first like Word, notepad, or notes on iPhone...or a program that auto saves like GoogleDocs...before copying and pasting into the comments section. Sometimes when you write for a while the online apps log you out before you're done and you'll lose all your writing.
And so endeth the lesson on blogging. Love you dad!
Blessings, Will! I try to be sensitive that as a hospice nurse, I am usually the last person that an newly diagnosed person wants to see or talk with. However, I feel compelled to address the "gruesome death" comment of your neighbor.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I am guessing that your neighbor's brother died sometime ago, because you are in an amazing time in that cancer treatment for melanoma has developed exponentially over the last 3-5 years. They have tools and trials that were hardly on the horizon just a short time ago. So, I doubt you have to worry about my showing up on your doorstep. Rather I expect you to be sitting at my bedside holding my hand and making me laugh in crazy and unexpected ways.
However, for your friends and readers who need some end of life education: we (hospice) have tools to take care of pain and other symptoms between 95-98% of the time without compromising cognitive function. We use pumps and patches and whatever it takes to make it happen. In the 2-5% of the time that we must compromise cognitive function, we do so that no one, I repeat, _no one_ need suffer a gruesome death.
So, while initially I am the last person you want to show up at your door, by the third visit I am walking on hallowed ground. I take my responsibility quite seriously and I (and every other hospice nurse, I know) will work my ass off to keep you comfortable with your dignity intact. It is a privilege to work with people at the end of life; there is an intimacy which spoils you for "real" life. Just so you know, we do all this and (mostly) keep our senses of humor.
Love, Christy
Dr. Keim (that is how Sean and I refer to you)
DeleteOur relationship began with us functioning merely as your fax number. I have been the beneficiary of your wit and wisdom often over the last 6+ years. We have had a friendly and comfortable business relationship with many conversations regarding local events/politics and the Corvallis High School shenanigans. Over that time I have always appreciated your candor and insight. You are never at a loss for something to say about most things; which I enjoy. Let’s face it, any monkey could run our business; it is the relationships with the people that we service that makes each day rewarding.
Once I was finally able to find this blog, I started at the beginning and worked my way through to this post. I felt compelled to respond and share how you and your writing have impacted me. Your posts, I am sure, serve as a therapeutic outlet for you and a way to try and make sense of all of this. The transparency and honesty in which they are written offers me a therapeutic outlet also. You are able to convey a perspective that helps me deal with the anger I feel about cancer. When we discussed cancer the other day I said “it picks a home, knocks on the door and walks right in.” You said, “It doesn’t bother to knock, it kicks the door in.” You are correct… it then walks through the kitchen and grabs the last of grandma’s special cookies, sits down in the comfiest chair, kicks off its shoes, belches, lights a smelly cigar and asks, “what’s everyone looking at?” That makes me angry!
Also, your transparency and honesty regarding your youth and the dark voice that we all deal with connects strongly with me. I too was molested as a young child and have dealt with the dark voice telling me I was not eligible for things I pursue like a good job, happy family or health. The dark voice cannot define us or our hope. Cancer cannot define you or your hope; only you can do that. Hope in your future, your 60th birthday, the Beavs in the civil war or watching your grand kiddos dumping out their Christmas stockings. I am not one to quote scripture, but I do find comfort in a few passages. One that I used to keep where I could see it is found in Hebrews 11:1 “… Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hope and faith go hand in hand.
Dr. Keim, your life touches many people. You have been fortunate to meet many important and significant individuals. You speak to large audiences on a regular basis and have written many books. Not everyone has the opportunity to have the same impact on their world. What a gift you have been given.
Thank you for your wit and wisdom.
You have our love, support and prayers,
Kelli